Thursday, September 23, 2010

I hate KIDS

Disclaimer: If you adore kids & simply couldn’t apprehend nor accept that others view them as mini demons from hell, please don’t read on ‘cause its highly possible you'll be offended & potentially burst an artery or somethin’.

I was happily eating my lunch at home the other day when my mum sashayed in & asked me how many kids I plan to have. I almost choked to death. After 5 minutes of coughing & hand signalling my mum to call the ambulance, I turned ‘round & stared at her in horror. "Kids? K-I-D-S? The short form for demons & everything worse?!" As expected from my mum, she rolled her eyes & says I'm over reacting & when I have my own kids (oh the horror), I will have a totes different perspective.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
Look, when I see a kid, I’ve this sudden urge to strangle them or just tape their mouth shut. If I had a kid, my motherhood wouldn't last more than 10 mins. Oh wait, maybe it'll last a bit longer. ‘Cause I'm OK with babies or toddlers who can't really talk, you know less than 1 year old types? Yeah, THAT I can handle. At least they only cry when they want food, or they pee or they crap. Anything older, they throw tantrums, they whine, they pms worse than myself.
I remember going shoppin’ with my friend & there's this boy who's whining & stomping his foot & basically being a terror just so his parents’ll give in & buy him toys. I looked at him in disgust & was halfway through imaginin’ the 1000s of ways I'd kick his ass if I was the mum when my friend went, "Nawwww look at how cute that kid is!".
What?! ARE YOU BLIND?! This miserable mucus filled brat is SCREAMIN’ his head off & is doing such a lousy job at pretending to cry that he makes my dog look like an Oscar winner, & you think ITS CUTE?!
"My ears are bleeding & I feel like stabbing that kid & you tell me its cute?"
"Oh come on. Just look at him."
"I AM lookin’ at him. And all I see is a nightmare."
"It’s not that bad. Look at those big eyes.. cute!!"
"All kids have big eyes."
".. what about those chubby cheeks!"
"That's just because he's fat."
She gave me a wtf face & continued gushin’ ‘bout how cute that monster is. Come to think of it, the mum was still being all nice & gentle saying "Boy, good boy. Come stand up. Come good boy, mummy buy you your favorite meat pie ok?" while the monster completely ignored her. What the hell is this?! HIT THE GOD DAMN KID. Buy meat pie some more, my mum would’ve turned me into meat pie if I was like that.
If you want to be a pain in the ass, fine. You want to whine & drool all over, fine. At least make sure you look cute right? Some kids honestly have a face that's... ... just not cute. Then they still whine & throw shoes, throw tantrums, throw food all over. Bloody hell, makes me feel like throwin’ them into the lion's den.
Oh & the funny thing is that, when I let others know of my hatred extreme dislike of kids, they always go "But you were once a kid yourself." Like HELLO? That is a totes irrelevant argument. Just ‘cause you used to be somethin’, doesn't mean you have to like that thing. So if you were once a gangster, are you supposed to love & adore every single gangster in the world? Or if you were once a drug addict, are you supposed to like every single drug addict in the world? NO, RIGHT? Than why, just ‘cause I used to be a kid, I must like every kid in world? Make no sense to me. xx Peppercorn Swirls

P.S Content of this post is written in good fun. I don't really wish death on the monsters innocent wtfican'tdothisDIEYOUDAMMIT kids. I just wish they’d shut up & sit still or just not appear in front of me all together. Peace. :)

P.P.S When I refer to "others" I'm not referrin’ to anyone in specific. It’s just that A LOT of people give me this argument... so yeah.

Hassle me please?

Note to self: Finish art project. From xx Peppercorn Swirls